Saturday, February 18, 2012

THE CHANGING HEART OF MINE





The romantic favourite poet from my youth, Yeats, wrote many a soul wrecking, heartbreaking verse. Although he was an Irish Nobel prize winner, he's listed as English in the Oxford Pocketbook of English Verse. The nationalist writing rebel, lover of wild Lady Gregory, co-founder of the Abbey Theatre, now resting under Ben Bulben.
He set words to the one thing people should not do to each other.

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


I have faced all kinds of illness, poverty, deaths, losses, scattered hopes for oh, so many years. I'm still here. A weak spot though, having my dreams mocked; how small, inferior and childish they may seem. Get off my cloud!
I admit I'm being human and vulnerable.
If I replace the word Jew with the word Christian, I can make Shylock's words in his speech to the Doge in Venice to mine.

Shylock:
I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands,
organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same
food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases,
heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter
and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If
you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the
rest, we will resemble you in that.
(The Merchant Of Venice Act 3, scene 1, 58-68)


So, I'm human. I don't like to write about that. I try to do like Abraham: count stars when the sky is dark. To not see how many descendants I shall have, but simply to get things in perspective. Most of the time that is very effective. After all I have been more blessed than 90 % of the world's population. Some times I have to admit, I'm blind to that, because so have most of my equals.
My dear brother sometimes compares me to Lucy in the Peanuts. He may have a vague point there.

Lucy: We critical people are always being criticized!( Charles Schultz)

I've had some weird experiences after my two cataract operations this year. No, I don't have a 20 - 20 sight, but a 14- 9 is a vast improvement. Not only do I see better, I sit and walk differently too. Being my old grumpy self, I ask, why wasn't this done years ago? No use in looking back. I need stretching forwards. I need to enjoy the holy moments of peace even more.


"Every beauty which is seen here by persons of perception resembles more than anything else that celestial source from which we all are come." Michelangelo

I used to say, "I can read anything, if I only get it close enough. The small print in my Bible was a piece of cake. Now I have to adjust my eyes as well as my movements and my brain, where all movements begins, according to my physiotherapist. The other day I just needed a word of comfort. I looked up randomly in my Bible (which is not recommended) and as I started spelling word by word, the familiar text got a new and extended meaning. I laughed from joy.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.


I am not the only one seen. My mother in hospital, my brother bedridden from migraine, Serina in Dublin, Gunnar by my side, Ruby and Amrita who just lost their mothers, my dear Dad Golden, Nathan, Lidia with all her responsibilities, Debbie and Sonja, they are all seen and equally cared for by our common creator, God Almighty! Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand. I can unload, indeed, I can rest, little ant that I am.


11 comments:

Fotos From Kyiv said...

This post really blessed me today. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Amrita said...

Oh Felisol, my heart bleeds too. I have been through such trials and tribulations, I know what you and yeats are saying. I studied Yeats for my Masters degreee.

Glad your cataract surgery went well.

So sorry for Monten. May the Lord send Gunnar and you help as you look after her. I was alone with Mamam most of the time till my younger sister came from NE India and nursed her.

God bless you dear sister

Andrea said...

Beautifully written, along with the bleeding hearts pictures. And interspersed with the Charles Shultz quote! love,andrea

❀~Myrna~❀ said...

Beautiful pics , beautiful post , you always express yourself so beautifully .
We know he loves us but,sometimes we do need reassurance.Psalm 139 is a beautiful remainder that He knows, sees ,cares and is always there even when it doesn't feel like it.

Trish said...

What a beautiful post my dear Felisol. Aren't we blessed to have a Saviour who knows our every thought and deed? YET, loves us unconditionally.
Happy news about your Cataract Surgery.
Praying for your sweet Mother and for you my friend.
Love,
trish

Sonja said...

Your words and the corresponding picures are a beautiful way to end this Sunday night. You have the heart of a poet... you ARE a poet. I have come over here so many times and found myself seeing things in a new way, or sensing a real understanding of some of the same things I am feeling, yet always with such a unique and special way of expression.

You have quoted a favorite Psalm of mine tonight. Psalms has been such a comfort and such a friend for many years.

I can also rest, "little ant that I am" :) I'm smiling as I write this. So descriptive!

Also, thank you for leaving the words to "Just as I am" on my blog. That song goes WAY back to my childhood and Billy Graham crusades. I can tear up every time the words and music begin. And really... it's the message that we all need to know, that we are loved just as we are, by God Himself.

Too many words on this comment, but it's such fun to 'talk' with you!! :)

Debbie said...

I am so glad I get to comment on this post after my other Norwegian sister Sonja. I agree with her assessment of you ...you are a poet.

I see such growth in you Felisol. I am so glad you got your cataract surgery done. As a lover of books, that would be so hard to not be able to see the print. I know there's a conspiracy and that 'they' are making labels on bottles in very small print because I used to be able to read them very well. Now I need a magnifying glass. Alas, the hazards of getting older. :)

I love the Psalm 139 reminder. Our God sees and knows all the details of what's going on in each of our lives. How thankful I am for that. And how thankful I am for you.

Love you,
Debbie

Mrs. Mac said...

You have a God given talent for putting your finger on the heart of intention for both poet and God; and I'm sure both bring great comfort. Yes .. even scattered around the globe, we are the handiwork of the same loving creator. I don't recall reading that Monten has returned to the hospital .. but will cover her in prayer. Keep inspiring.

Terry said...

dearest felisol...now just because of your dear dad golden, i find so little time to read your lovely posts, although i must admit that i do open up your blog when i am there and we all four just feast on the adventures of amidala and we laugh!

but we are home a little earlier this evening and i have so been touched by this post....just to think that you were able to read your favourite scripture!
felisol, the way you took the pictures of this pretty flower shows exactly the way that a cataract eye sees and as you take each one, it gets clearer and clearer...after i had my cataracts removed when i was just thirty, it did take a while but you will surely find that your eyes will see clearer and clearer.

the list that you have here of the people you so love and care for touches my heart...our dear sister, amrita is surely going through the valley of sadness..she and her mama were like best friends..i can't imagine the pain that she is going through even though she knows mama is in heaven..oh the deep loneliness!
the ruby that you have mentioned here felisol...is that serina's ruby?..if so, her mom must of been so young.
i so enjoyed reading the verse that shylock said...you know felisol, i was so happy to hear that i was partly jewish because we found out that dad golden's real father was a jewish man..what a great honour it is to be in the royal family as a christian and in the chosen family of jesus...i am sure i am right there with you in the 90% of the world's population that is most blessed!
felisol, i believe that your dreams are all coming true!
felisol, i cannot count the stars as abrabam can because bernie and i have no children and so no descendants but oh the riches i have being in the golden family and oh the riches i have having you as my bestest friend...i love you so much...love terry

shall we go along with kel and call you lucy?..ha!

felisol, it is so hard to read the word vitrifaction, even if i do have good sight now!

Felisol said...

Dearestest Terry,
You are and will always be my bestest, everybody knows that.

When writing in the middle of the night, I mention the people whose needs lay heavy on my heart and mind there and then.
You know, some times love feels like a burden, one would so like to carry them all on one's back.
I think you, Bernie, Gunnar and I are a four span busy carrying out the Lord's errands, caring for our families.

My dear brother Kel gave me dozens of nicknames about them Felisol and Lucy (him being Linus of course, ha, I never bought that. Poor boy, he had his witty tongue against my gruesome fist, being fifteen months younger.He called me Kitty, Bun,Bushy Cat,Fel, oh, there most have been so many I have forgotten by now. Somehow Felisol stuck by the longest. His comrades from childhood will also still call me by that name when they see me.
Your Royal blood is thick enough to give you citizenship in Israel today. Of that I am a bit envious.
Some day we shall all be rightful citizens in the new Jerusalem. I am so looking forwards to that day.
Meanwhile I'll continue placing my burdens upon you, knowing your prayers will strengthen me.
It was Serina's friend, my friend,my SIL's former foster child Ruby, who lost her mother three weeks after Ruby gave birth to her first child. It is heart breaking.
The circle of life never stops.
Ruby did love her mother and chose to settle in the same town as her, even if she often was a burden to Ruby too.
She is being buried this Friday. I should have been there, I should have been with Serina in Ireland on her birthday Saturday, but I will be with my mother in Sauda instead.
I also strive with the word verifications. The doc has said I still can squeeze some more sight out of these new eyes, so I am not giving up.
Perhaps I'll even try for my own driver's license some day, if God will.
We'll just have to see.
For now I am living in tension about what the nearest days will bring for my mother. Please pray with me.

Annie said...

Dearest Elise,

As I read this, I could not help to think that we are all given suffering. The difference is the depth and degree of our suffering and more than that, how we handle our suffering. You, my friend, handle it with grace and dignity.

Love
Annie