Saturday, August 18, 2007

SHE'S SPREADING HER WINGS

Nobody was able to explain to me
how unbearable the leaving of one's child hurts.
I've been preparing for this day at least a year now.
Intellectually.
When Serina lay seriously ill in hospital
and last week when all the bad symptoms reemerged,
I told myself, silently,
that if she could only be well enough
to embark on her journey for life and development,
I would only be happy for her.
What a monstrous lie!
The three last nights neither Serina nor I have been able to touch bedsheets until seven in the morning.
(Fooled you, Gunnar!)
This morning they went in a fully stuffed car,
over the Long Mountains, dividing Norway in east and west.
Eight hours drive by good weather and open tunnels.
She took my heart with her.
I've been circling inside and outside our house,
totally numb,
with a lead lump where my soul used to burn.
In my despair
I've telephoned to all the mothers I know of,
who have been in a similar situation.
My sister in law comforted me.
She told, "I'm not saying that my kids are moving.
I tell myself they are away to get some education."
My mother's only words were, "I never get used to it.
It hurts like I'm going to die every time I say goodbye."
Turid said,"Don't you ever dare tell Serina how you feel.
I had three children leaving home in one year.
You knew when she was born, that she was not for keeps."
Theoretically I knew.
Now I just have to find my breath again,
and keep the nightmares from coming true.
In a month she'll be home for autumn vacation.
My flower girl knows more about herbs than most her age.
Here gathering Jasmine flowers for tea.
I hope I have been able to provide her with living water.
It's the ordinary everyday life, I'll miss the most. Big girl making her own peanut butter sandwiches.
One of the few sunny days the summer. The cooking may not be first class, but the company!!
Father and daughter combines the joy of a new laptop with watching TV in the living room.
Her whole body was hurting so badly in hospital. Silly mom had to try to get her forget.
Which made the pains even worse.
I just have welcomed the happiest russ this year.
When she's laughing, when she's laughing, the whole world laughs to me....
All our major events have been celebrated in this Chinese restaurant. Like when Serina and I lay exhausted in hospital, my mother, father, brother and Gunnar welcomed the newborn baby here. The first day at school, first ballet performance, first concert, the exams, any major occasion calls for an eight dishes menu at the old Chinese. Yesterday's farethewell meal was a success like the others..
"I Will Always Love You"
If I Should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go
But I know
I'll think of you every step of the way
And I...
Will always
Love you,
I Will always
Love you You
My darling you
Bittersweet Memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So good-bye
Please don't cry
We both know
I'm not what you
You need
And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you You,
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have
all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you
I,
I will always love You....
You Darling
I love you
I'll always
I'll always
Love You..

Dolly Parton & Mom

16 comments:

Vicki said...

Wanted to visit you here and leave a warm hello. May God comfort the ache in your heart and hold you close as you adjust to your daughter being away. My three have all left the nest and married--it was each time very hard, so I understand. Praying the Lord will watch over Serina while you find your heart's rest in Him. Let me know how you are doing.

Blessings,
Vicki

Amrita said...

what a beautiful and close relationship you have with Serina.Lovely to read about it.i know how hard it must be to say goodbye.The photos are very nice. May God comfort you and Serina and watch over her all the time.

Terry said...

Oh Felisol...I am so sad for you and Gunnar..I can't even say....Love Terry

Sue "Sioux" Seibert said...

I know it's hard...letting go. It's always hard. And, as someone told you, it doesn't stop, it happens over and over again. And you must let go and pray. That's really all there is to do.

I loved hearing about the Chinese restaurant...the one we always go to is Italian! It's a special place.

Love all the photos you took. See you guys use MACs like we do!

Thank you for the prayers for Joey. He is doing well and will be home on Sept. 22 for about a week.

Love you!!

Jim said...

Felisol, you and Gunnar have raised a fine young lady, taught "in the way [she] should go (Proverbs 22:6)." More is up to her now but she will still look to her parents for some guidance.
Even when our Karen is now married and 33 she still calls to talk some things over and to ask for our 'opinion.'
Many years after I left for school, I heard how badly my dad had missed me.

Best wishes to you, Serina!
Best wishes to you, Felisol!
Best wishes to Gunar too!

May God watch over you all!

BTW, Karen will be traveling with us to Scotland in mid-September, on a different flight, and will leave after a week. Mrs. Jim and I will stay for two.
..
Oh yes, Serina makes my kind of sandwiches. At least one picture of that is on my blog(s).
I'm off for a coffee and crackers and peanut butter snack right now. As soon as I reheat the coffee and make the cracker sandwichs--Mrs. Jim is golfing or she would have one also.
..

hebrews 11:1 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Terry said...

Dear Felisol..
I have been thinking so much about you the last few days and knowing how you must be feeling... like the bottom has dropped out of your world.
I never had any children so maybe I don't really understand how you are feeling but I know just a little.
When my family was living in my beloved Manitoba, Dad and Mom Golden and nine children, the day came that Betty, my sister "spread her wings" and flew to Ontario which was three days jouney away.
My heart was nearly broken and it was something that really was hard to overcome...My sister..my best friend leaving like that!
And the smallest Golden child was still a baby!
How could she have ever left us all?
I remember that, because the mail came twice in those days, I used to run to the post office twice a day to see if Betty had written and Mom Golden and I literally fought over the letters Felisol!!
How much better for you and Serina..You are just seconds away from each other with the internet!
Still though, the internet won't fill the home like your precious Serina did and there will be one huge empty space that you and Gunnar will have to deal with.
Just know Felisol that not only I but many of your friends are praying for you at this time and we are looking forward to the day that she comes home for her hoilday
in a month.
Hopefully that month will come quickly.
It is already just three weeks away, eh?

Right now, I guess it is almost your bed time there in Norway Felisol or maybe not just quite yet.

I wanted to tell you that the landlady has been treating my mom just fine, and that is because of your praying for her and I must thank you for that.
Who knows that it just might be that the landlady gets saved through all of this?
Maybe she has seen just how mean she was to my parents.
If the Lord can forgive her, then I must too and I really feel that I am making strides in this matter!!

God bless you Felisol..
Did I ever tell you what a dear friend you are to me?
Well I am telling you now!...Love Terry

Kristin said...

I never knew how hard it could be (probably won't ever either), but I feel for you. Fortunately I don't think it's been that bad for my mother. Two of her kids still live nearby, and it all went rather gradually with all of us. You only have Serina and you two are so close (it's beautiful to read/see from the pictures just how close you are, by the way).

Anyway: I wish you both the best of luck. I know it will get better. I guess I no longer have as much faith in prayer as I once did - or the previes comments here have displayed - but I'll be sure to mention you anyway. ;)

There are so many lovely pictures in your blog. I'm very impressed.

<3 All the best,
Kristin

hebrews 11:1 said...

Hi, Mrs. Ljung!

I hope you are well! I see Mrs. Shirkie wrote you such a kind note! I have a doctor's appt. on Monday, and I hope all goes well...I have been on the waiting list for a year--ridiculous medical system here!

God bless you,
Lil Pilgrim pal

Vicki said...

Just checking in on you again, sending warmest hugs.

Felisol said...

Dear Vicki, Amrita, Soiux Sue, Jim, Kristin and Lil Pilgrim Pal,
I should hav answered each and every one as I usually do. The good Lord have belessed me with 2 weeks of streptococcus infection, which intend to stay intill I'm calmed down, added with three days of migraine. I am in touch with Serina two, three, four times a day (God bless the cellphones too). She is not quite well phycically, but have found friends and are very happy with the teaching..
About as good as goood can be, even better than we hoped for.
And, yes I did mean what I said about being blessed by an illness that eventually will pass. I guess I needed some time flat on my back to recover from all the strain we've been through this summer. I 'm in dayly contact with my mother, brother, Serina and three of my best friends (and Gunnar's aunt). Else Gunnar is keeping the fort, being my shelter, helper and comfort.

Kristin: Terry found me, when I, far below zero, was going through one of the toughest crisis of my life; the severe illness and slow, painful death of my father.
A ring of prayers, the Pilgrim pals emerged and there are people from all over America,Canada, India..and Norway.
Somehow they all are dealing with stuff worse than more profund than the happy-go-lucky-people. I've met so much love and real concern that it dragged me through the last six month with a kind of hallelujah in my song.
I very well know that my problems are ppeanuts compared to what you have to deal with. But I now the Lord is there for all of us, no execption. In in ways, seen through a dark glalss only, he wnats us to pray. The Almighty has made himself depandant of his weak little birdies. I am a living proof that prayers help.
The enigmas of why and how are less important.
Got an sms from Serina yesterday: God loves you, like it or not.

You might find it useful to look up the Pilgrim Pals on Blogger. The door is open and wide.
Love Elise

donna said...

Thinking of you today....I remember so well the ache I felt with each transition as my daughters made their way out on their own. I pray His loving hand upon you brining comfort and upon Serina to guide her and protect her...

And I just found out you are suffering from a bout of pneumonia.....please rest....may He heal you quickly...

love and hugs
donna

hebrews 11:1 said...

Hi, Mrs. Ljung!

I'm praying for you daily...

Dear Lord Jesus, please bless my special friend Mrs Ljung, and heal her body. Purge this infection from her, and mae her clean and well. May she feel your warm arms of love surrounding her and holding her through all her trials, and may she rest in you. Please make Your Word come alive to her as she reads it, and may she feel Your presence surrounding her as she talks with You-- may she feel free to talk with You as with a friend, and enter bodly into Your presence. May you drw her heart, mind, and soul unto you in a deeper and more meaningful relationship each and every day. Thank you, Lord, for hearing our prayer and answering them...as You say in Your Word, before we call you will answer, and while we are speaking, You hear. Thank you Jesus! In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Love and Prayers,
the little pilgrim pal

hebrews 11:1 said...

... and one more thing to add Lord, please fill that void in her heart left by Serina's leaving home, please fill it with Your peace and Your Love and Your goodness. Thank you Lord. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Mrs. Ljung,

Here is a song I have been singing a lot lately with the ups and downs in my life, especially the memories of last year that flood me every so often:

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride


It's a country song sung by Gary Allen, and I could listen to it over and over.

God bless you,
LPP

Felisol said...

Dear Lil Pilgrim Pal,
I sent the song to my daughter immediately after I read it.
The song comforted me, and I hope it 'll help Serina as well.
Thank you for being YOU.

Kristin said...

Thanks for the nice words, both here and in my blog.

I'm scared of religious things and people, (iiik!) but I can always have a peek. I'm thinking the blog won't pop out of the screen and bite me.

I hope you are doing semi-okay and that things get better for you SOON.

All the best
Kris